May 11, 2001 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 15
bigtips
How do I send a message from Earth to the moon?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
Dear Big Tipper,
I have a co-worker who always wears his pants too tight and too small, and so when he bends over even a little bit, his whole ass falls out of his pants. I don't think he knows, but I think that if he did, he wouldn't
care.
He's a hippie who always wears drawstring pants, so I'm frankly surprised this could even happen in the first place. I hate drawstring pants, especially on men, but they're not exactly a popular style for lowriding.
Plus, he's not wearing any underwear to protect the eyes of passing innocents, like myself. And sometimes there's a little butt smell, which can be pretty hard to take in a small office on a warm day. Crack of Don
Dear Bad Moon Risin',
Tuck a lit stick of incense in his crack. Just kidding. (Assuming that my readership is not comprised of the same demographic as regular Jackass watchers, I don't feel the necessity to put any sort of warning notice here to not try this at home. But you should know that this incense-tucking was performed by a trained professional on a closed track at the Big Tips testing facility.)
There are a couple of ways to go. Tell him or don't tell him. Do you like him? If you do, you can couch it as a friendly aside: Never underestimate the social power of a friendly "Moon's out early tonight!" It's a little jokey, but you wouldn't say it if it wasn't true, so he should hear that there's a warning to be heeded.
If you don't like him, you have more latitude in content and delivery, since you don't have to sugarcoat it. A good "Jeez, man, pull up your freakin' pants," may just be the ticket.
Of course, you might choose not to tell him, but then you're left with an eye-full and a nose-full, and why did you ask if you're not going to listen to me? That's it. There aren't a couple of choices. Just tell him.
Dear Big Tipper,
My girlfriend and I have an essential personality mismatch that seems trivial on the surface, but actually has become an issue that rears its head more often than I'd like. I'm wondering if you can come up with some strategies to help us out with communicating better about it.
Simply put, she likes surprises and I really hate them. Whenever I go away, she does little things for me, to be sweet. When I come back, if I don't notice everything or am not
immediately excited about everything, she gets hurt. She likes to come by work to take me out to dinner, and whenever she goes to the store, she buys me little treats.
Why do I have a problem, you're probably wondering? Well, it makes me feel out of control, and like I have to be grateful on
o
BIG TIPS
command, and I feel like
she's judging me because I don't do the same things for her. I feel a little like she's trying to one-up me or control me, and sometimes I get really frustrated.
On the other hand, I feel terrible that I feel this way about sweet things she's doing for me, and I know that many, many people wish they were with someone who treated them this way. I also feel guilty because I know she wished I'd do stuff like this for her, and I just can't. I do nice things for her, but we've talked about them ahead of time, and she knows what's coming.
I just hate surprises, because I worry about the other person being disappointed, or I worry about myself being disappointed, and then that letting down the other person.
She knows that I don't like surprises, but
I don't think she considers the things she does "count," since they're not like a surprise birthday party, or a secret trip to Mexico. I just find them anxiety-producing, and exhausting.
How can I explain this to her so that she understands? Or how can I look at things differently so I don't get so stressed and anxious about these things?
Looking My Gift Horses in Their Mouths
Dear Gift Me a Break,
Your girlfriend sounds like a peach, and it's good that you seem to realize that she's not intentionally being manipulative or insensitive to your feelings. Sometimes we just love someone so much and want so badly to be sweet to them that we avalanche them, and then they're left choking in the snowbank of our affection (to wring out the very last bit of goodness in that metaphor).
If you feel uncomfortable having her surprise you at work, tell her. That's a really fair boundary to set, and probably an easy one to sell and enforce. You also sound kind of stressed out and anxious, which presents you with their own sets of challenges, but your sweetie should know that you feel that way (not about her, just in general). A really good thing to do is to give her an idea of the kind of attention or stuff you'd like to receive, and how. She just wants to do things for you, and you need to channel that force for good and not for evil.
You might also want to consider the idea
Cards Gifts and You.. What more could a mother want?
that people do what they want to have done for them. She may need some extra attention, or a different type of appreciation. You don't have to do it her way: just do something that you'd feel comfortable with. Make her an extra nice dinner, or pick up her tab at the movies. If she's a romantic character, get her some flowers. It's little, not overwhelming for you, and the kind of thing that makes a bigger impact than the energy it takes to perform.
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Ultimately, though, two different people are bound to express themselves in different ways. Steer her away from the most stressful things, try to relax and enjoy the rest, and don't worry about having to reciprocate in grand style. As my mom would say: Just say thank you, and mean it. ✓
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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